Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
