Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize