Umm I'm too high to move.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
