I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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