I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Jerry, you need to find god
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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