shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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