I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize