Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
