my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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