the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
