Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
