call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
