He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
