I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
