I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
