Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
