Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
