Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
