Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
