Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
