if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
