I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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