i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have so many feelings about this burrito
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
