remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
