Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
