I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
