I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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