Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
