So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
