i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
