Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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