when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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