I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I wish I only lived at night.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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