she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
