i don't like sucking hair
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
