The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You took a bar mat shot.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize