did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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