Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
