Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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