eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
jump out the window naked night went bad
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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