70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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