Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Gay?
German.
Pity.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
