I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
