I wannas sexs uuuuu
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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