i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
