imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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