I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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