Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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