Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
