1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
