Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Drunk is not a location!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
