My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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