mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
