I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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