Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
