she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
