My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
