the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
