so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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