3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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