Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
