didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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