Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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